Oregon Assholes

Been here almost 8 months, haven’t met an asshole from Oregon yet.

I know they exist here. I’m sure there are asshole barkeeps, asshole business owners, asshole politicians, asshole parking lot attendants, asshole post office desk clerks, etc… I just have yet to meet a complete asshole from Oregon.

I’ve seen asshole driving, mostly on the highways. People here generally drive like crap in the fast lane. Better off passing them assholes in the empty lanes to the right.

I’ve seen asshole outfits for sure. Hoopty down jackets and skull caps in August. Horrible, striped, woolen leg and arm warmers in May. I am sure I’ll see some downright asshole outfits come winter-time here too.

I bet that most of the asshole activities I’ve been witness to in Oregon originated with a foreigner, or someone from another state. In fact, I’d venture a guess that the asshole-to-cool ratio in this state leans heavily in the cool direction.

Let me give an example or two.

The guy who scrapes the crap off my teeth, my dentist, is pretty cool. His place is cool, his people are cool. They listen to me and don’t ask stupid questions. No assholes there.

I walked out of our office and one of the homeless dudes who lives under the Burnside bridge approached my dog and I. Sirius started barking and freaking out and pee-ing, which is just what he does. I tried to move on by, but the dude insisted I have one of his beers. In fact, it was his only beer, which surprised me even more. I tried to refuse, but he said it was Friday, it was hot out, and the beer was cold and unopened. He could have been an asshole to me, but instead he was cool for no reason. So I drank it, even though it was Tuesday.

I can tell you I’ve met plenty of assholes in my days, from around the world. I could probably look back and make a list. But in Oregon, everyone I’ve met from friends of friends to gas station dudes has been cool. Even our landlords are cool! No Assholes, yet.

I am sure Wifey over there could name a few assholes, without hesitation. I am sure people who’ve lived here for a while have met an asshole or three. All I can honestly say is, I have not met an asshole in Oregon so far. And everyone I’ve met here has some degree of coolness to them. Which I find interesting.

When/ If I meet an asshole in Oregon, I’ll remember it now and record it in me head. You may or may not hear about it, but I’ll try to let you know. Maybe I’ll just become an Oregon asshole some day. If that happens, you’ll know it too.